Just when you think your Mom Game is on point, your discover that your home’s been infiltrated by the school-age scourge of head lice. Before you deep-dive into a Google nightmare of disturbing images, checklists, and remedies, here’s a preview of 8 things you didn't know about the bloodsucking parasites camping out in your kid's hair:
1. They require spelunking equipment and a microscope to identify them. The literal recommendation for lice inspection is "a bright light and magnifying glass"--cuz every 21st century mom has their Inspector Gadget set handy for times like these. Otherwise, a miner’s helmet and superhuman sight will suffice. "But is it really that hard to spot insects on a kid's head?" you ask… Fuck you. And yes. Unhatched eggs are the diameter of a spliced atom and baby lice are roughly the size of stubble from Satan's 5:00 shadow. Even adult lice are tricky little bastards no bigger than a sesame seed and masters of hide-and-seek. So get your spotlight and monocle ready. Cuz “nit-picking” and searching with “a fine-tooth comb” are just as pain-in-the-ass as their figurative expressions suggest.
2. They do not respond to empty threats. You might think you can conquer lice with something simple and over-the-counter. And maybe that's true--if you're lucky enough to live in an area where the lice are still the old-fashioned kind, like a covered-wagon community from Little House On The Prairie, weak enough to be done-in by a bad bout of diarrhea. If not, you've got the super lice--the X Men of their species with the puke-and-rally capability of college freshmen when it comes to whatever drugstore bullshit you throw at them. When the bugs you combed into a sealed plastic bag are still crawling around as if to say "Come at me, bro!" after you soaked your kid's head in Nix for 10 minutes--you've got some super lice. And their kryptonite is prescription only.
3. They make decisions for you. You've been debating about what to do with that pile of rarely-used stuffed animals since last Christmas. Now you've got to either incinerate all 400 cuddle toys in the dryer or shove them in a handful of trash bags to suffocate any intruders. A month ago, getting rid of them seemed like a tough call. Today, that trash bag is looking pretty damn good. On the curb. In the landfill. Wherever mommy doesn't have to de-louse them ever again. Sorry, kids. Your early childhood buddies are going to a better place.
4. They may force you to update the laundry room. Those nasty little fuckers will make you want to wash everything in your house, then cook it to death by tumble-dry. And most likely, that 10-year-old washer/dryer set’s gonna tap out like the losing side of a mixed martial arts battle before you can say "guest bed duvet cover".
5. They compel you to consider drastic hair choices. Nothing makes you want to shave the whole family's heads like plucking out microscopic nits with a pair of fucking tweezers while your child is actively jerking away from you and crying like you're pulling out their fingernails. A round of “GI Janes” for the whole crew certainly sounds like the easiest answer to all of your problems.
6. They incite giant arguments with your spouse. Either you'll both be freaking out about which couch cushions to burn on the front lawn or one of you will be crying at the top of the stairs while the other one demands to know why you've put everything anyone has ever touched into $200-worth of individual Ziplock bags. Tensions will be high in an infested house. Just remember: every time you melt down in front of your significant other, another louse hatches in somebody’s hair. And when you waste time fighting each other, THE LICE WIN.
7. They give you OCD. Suddenly, you're washing, plucking, combing, and vacuuming like a maid service who also does hair (and copious amounts of cocaine). And you're fighting the urge to hug your kids at arms length like you're wearing white linen with a wet manicure and just smelled a fart. Somewhere, down deep, you know this behavior is excessive and that one day you’ll laugh at your temporary neuroses--but in the meantime, go ahead and wrap those car seat headrests in cellophane. You’ll feel a lot better if you do.
8. They are the bad acid trip of parenting. Remember those after-school specials where someone gets a hold of bad drugs and hallucinates that their skin is crawling with flesh-eating bugs? It feels kinda like that for the next 7-10 days until you confirm that first treatment actually took. Except there are no fun drugs involved. And there may actually be blood-thirsty bugs crawling all over your head. So good luck with that.
But hey. Don’t let “getting loused” get the best of you. Head lice have been mooching off our heads for centuries. Chances are, you had them as a kid and still lived to endure the fresh hell your mom put up with (while you shared hairbrushes with your siblings, none-the-wiser). Combing live parasites out of your kids hair is just another precious parenting milestone. Like every other passing blip on the radar of motherhood, you’ll be stronger and wiser for the experience. If not juuuuust a lil’ bit closer to crazy.
Comments
Post a Comment