For those of us who crave a well-organized home, there’s no shortage of inspiration out there. From Pinterest to the container aisle at Target, the world around us is constantly dropping hints that it’s time to get our shit together. You might be wondering, who has time for all that between the demands of work and family? The answer is…you! Just do what I did. Whether you’re a regular ‘Marie Kondo’ or the cautionary tale from an episode of Hoarders, you too can achieve a clutter-free home in just 10 easy steps.
1. Quit your job and purge everything having to do with it. Files, PowerPoint print-outs, business cards, calendars, doodled-on staff meeting notes. As Elsa would say: Let it go, let it go. Let it all fucking go.
2. Reorganize any generic work-related materials that might be usable in your future job. Pens, folders, and profession-specific accoutrements can all be sorted into appropriate receptacles. Inkless pens and broken hanging file-holders, be damned. Any box that bats fly out of when you creak it open can get the hell out of your life. And all those file folders you “recycled” by folding inside out, whose tabs have been worn down to wrinkled manila husks of their former selves--they can go, too. Leave the recycling to the pros and kick that shit to the curb with the bottles and cans. Because life’s too short for disfigured folders. A stack of crisp, unused manilas is a pretty low bar for future happiness. So go ahead and treat yourself. But first...
3. Move on to reorganizing everything around you. Now that the ashes of your old job have been scattered across the landfill and every office item you own has been meticulously sorted, filed, and color-coded like the closeted serial killer you are--it’s time to refocus your energy on all those piles of random-ass clutter throughout the house. Stacks of mail, kids’ school work from two grades ago, expired coupons, lone socks, broken toys, and unidentifiable objects you’ve been saving--just in case someone might be rabidly searching for it later. That heaping Island of Misfit Crap’s got a hot date with the trash bag you’re lugging through the house like Santa’s sack. The undeniable beauty of a clutter pile is that everything in it becomes magically irrelevant if you let it sit long enough. Six months ago, it might have been hard to part with that unrecognizable handprint painting your son brought home that looks like a cross between Abe Lincoln and a Thanksgiving turkey. But today? Fuck it. Gone.
4. Box up half your kids’ toys while they’re at school. Wait and see if they notice. If they don’t, toss it all. If they do, go through each item in question. Engage your kids in spirited debate over how many broken plastic knick-nacks from the Chick-fil-a kids’ meal a person really needs. Help them understand that “zero” is the only correct answer. Then throw that shit out.
5. Whittle your kids’ wardrobe down to items of only two colors. Never again will you wonder whose underpants are whose while you’re folding them into tight little squares like a J. Crew sales associate. From now on, it’s green for the older one, orange for the younger one. Why? Because those are the colors you associate with forward movement and the fiery urge to burn half your belongings in the front yard.
6. Reduce your own wardrobe to a long-sleeve tshirt, a pair of leggings, and a zip-up fleece. It might make things a little difficult when you finally have to dress yourself for work again--but in the meantime, your life and laundry will never be simpler.
7. Purge everything that’s not nailed down and clean the hell out of anything that’s left. Drag your swollen trash can to the curb, then vacuum, scrub, sweep, and bleach the whole house to within an inch of your own life.
8. Black-out from bleach fumes. Awake to wonder where the hell your family is. Call them down to begin eating in shifts from the single dish, fork, and cup you’ve been referring to as “the communal place setting” ever since you purged all excess kitchen items. When they don’t emerge, retrace your steps to determine what you might have done with them.
9. Check the curbside trash can. Discover that you sorted your husband and kids among the recyclables. Let them out, but mark them with adhesive labels so you know where to place them once they’re back inside the house.
10. Reevaluate your life. Update your resume and get your ass back to work as soon as humanly possible. Bask in the soothing serenity of your clutter-free home, then embrace the satisfaction of buying it all back with the cash from your new job.
And there you have it. Home organization is just that simple. All you need is a ton of time on your hands, boundless energy, and a mild dose of muted panic to facilitate your own bleach-scented spiral into a clean, clutter-free space. After all, when one door closes, another drawer opens. And another drawer. And a hall closet. And that under-the-bed box big enough to hide a body. So grab a roll of trash bags and a hefty recycling bin. You’ve got your work cut out for you, but fear not. The road to peace and prosperity is clearly marked, carefully alphabetized, and preferably smells of Clorox.
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