Crime Scene Photographs

During the early aughts, I watched a lot of CSI Miami. The acting was awful, the dialogue was ridiculous, and the plot lines were so formulaic, the writers seemed to be plugging new words into an established template week after week, like a Mad Lib (only murder-y). But the all boats, beaches, and blue skies they’d cut to over snippets of songs by The Who made me happy enough to keep watching. It required a willful suspension of reality to believe any fit, young homicide detective would process a crime scene in heels and tight white pants--but I sure learned a lot of fun terminology like “spatter” and “petechia”.

Ten years later, as the mom of 2 young boys, I often find myself processing the scene of various small crimes committed throughout the house, calling upon my CSI experience to imagine how the police report would read.

Stash of items was found on top of a dresser concealed in the closet of one upstairs bedroom. Parents indicate that the bedroom is shared by their two sons, ages 5 and 7. The mess was uncovered several days after the boys were reportedly asked to clean their room. Both boys have been taken into custody, but neither one has admitted to knowledge of the impromptu landfill’s origin. Tornadic activity has been ruled out, as no other rooms in the house were involved. Foul play is suspected.

Toothpaste tube appears to have been bludgeoned to death. Breadth, height, and excessive nature of spatter implies blunt-force trauma, or perhaps, simple jack-assery between brothers attempting to brush their teeth in the same space. Balled up hand towel implies perpetrators were in a hurry to beat each other down the stairs for breakfast. Standing urine in the un-flushed toilet seems to support this theory, along with the fact that all upstairs lights were noted to be left “on”. The body of the assaulted toothpaste has not yet been found.

Full extent of food on the floor could not be captured in a single frame, but overall amount of debris noted suggests waterboarding by what appears to be biscuit and broccoli. Napkin (not pictured) remains inexplicably clean, while the poor condition of all surrounding areas implies that significant struggle ensued. No sign of the victim or perpetrator, but victim is expected to be starving, having not actually ingested any of his dinner.

Toothpaste dispenser matches the description of tube reported missing from the scene of the earlier altercation in the bathroom. Victim appears to have been tortured and possibly poisoned, based on excessive hemorrhaging at the mouth of the dispenser. Victim was taken to the master bathroom, where emergency surgery was conducted to remove damaged product and restore the natural flow of paste through the opening valve. Victim is said to be in stable condition. Perpetrators have been apprehended and charged with a fufillion counts of toiletry item abuse, with several additonal counts of “Seriously? WTF.”

Victims appear to have been abducted upon returning from a trip to the neighborhood pool. The sudden and aggressive nature of the abduction apparently knocked the children straight out of their goggles and Crocs, leaving behind their pool noodles. Parents report having told the children repeatedly to place their pool items neatly to one side of the porch, so as not to obstruct the walkway. No word yet on whether or not the boys can accurately hear and comprehend plain English.