Dear kids,
While we care deeply about your overall well-being and generally encourage you to assert yourselves, it's not always easy to embrace the urgency of your protests or concerns. In fact, there's a whole range of crap that fails to even register as a topic worth discussing, because any assertions or objections of the following nature will be immediately over-ruled by the supreme law of Because I Said So and the lesser courts of You'll Live and I Don't Care:
1) That your toothbrush is "ALL the way upstairs". It's a hardship. I know. But seeing as how those teeth are in your head, I'm not really sure what your point is. So I'ma drink my tepid coffee and choke down this raisin bran I've been distracted from so many times that it now looks like raw sewage. And YOU are gonna get your own damn tooth brush. Now let's see some hustle. The tooth fairy charges a restocking fee for rotten ones.
2) That you're "not cold". Welp, that may be--but the river of thick, green mucus coursing from your nostrils would beg to differ. Your face is literally blue and that cough you've had for the past 2 weeks would make even the Marlboro Man be like, "Dude. Go to the doctor." So let's just agree your internal thermostat is f'ing broken and that Mommy knows what's up. Now put on that goddamn jacket.
3) That your foot is asleep. To a young person not previously acquainted with self-inflicted numbness, it probably feels like your extremity is attempting to amputate itself. But give it a minute. I promise. You're gonna pull through. So, unless actual pins and needles are protruding from your body, please do not wake me from a sound sleep again with the gross motor equivalent of an ice cream headache.
4) That you dropped your ___ on the floor of the car. Did I ask you not to bring it in the car? Did I tell you to stop slinging it around? Did I warn you that gravity would eventually win this dangerous game you insist on playing while inescapably restrained to your booster seat? Well, call me Nostra-damn-damus, but the prophecy has come to pass. Your ___ will just have to hang out in the abyss for a bit. The man driving the car next to me is rewriting War And Peace via iMessage and hasn't looked up from his phone since that pothole nearly ripped his tire off 2 miles back. Soooo, Mommy needs to f'ing pay attention. These Go-Go Gadget Arms are fully invested in your safety at the moment and will remain locked at 10 and 2 until further notice..
5) That you don't want to take a bath. Your fingernails look like you just clawed your way out of an abandoned mine shaft and the filth on your feet makes me wonder if you're wearing shoes all wrong. I'm pretty sure that's peanut butter--from lunch--beneath that ketchup smear from dinner on your face and your temporary tatoo has faded into something resembling a serious skin condition. What you want, I'm afraid, has been rendered miserably irrelevant by the urgent and undeniable need to WASH THAT ASS. End of discussion.
So kids, feel free to file your appeals with the Office of Wish In One Hand And Shit In The Other. Because the Parent-ocracy loves you--but "the house" always wins.
While we care deeply about your overall well-being and generally encourage you to assert yourselves, it's not always easy to embrace the urgency of your protests or concerns. In fact, there's a whole range of crap that fails to even register as a topic worth discussing, because any assertions or objections of the following nature will be immediately over-ruled by the supreme law of Because I Said So and the lesser courts of You'll Live and I Don't Care:
1) That your toothbrush is "ALL the way upstairs". It's a hardship. I know. But seeing as how those teeth are in your head, I'm not really sure what your point is. So I'ma drink my tepid coffee and choke down this raisin bran I've been distracted from so many times that it now looks like raw sewage. And YOU are gonna get your own damn tooth brush. Now let's see some hustle. The tooth fairy charges a restocking fee for rotten ones.
2) That you're "not cold". Welp, that may be--but the river of thick, green mucus coursing from your nostrils would beg to differ. Your face is literally blue and that cough you've had for the past 2 weeks would make even the Marlboro Man be like, "Dude. Go to the doctor." So let's just agree your internal thermostat is f'ing broken and that Mommy knows what's up. Now put on that goddamn jacket.
3) That your foot is asleep. To a young person not previously acquainted with self-inflicted numbness, it probably feels like your extremity is attempting to amputate itself. But give it a minute. I promise. You're gonna pull through. So, unless actual pins and needles are protruding from your body, please do not wake me from a sound sleep again with the gross motor equivalent of an ice cream headache.
4) That you dropped your ___ on the floor of the car. Did I ask you not to bring it in the car? Did I tell you to stop slinging it around? Did I warn you that gravity would eventually win this dangerous game you insist on playing while inescapably restrained to your booster seat? Well, call me Nostra-damn-damus, but the prophecy has come to pass. Your ___ will just have to hang out in the abyss for a bit. The man driving the car next to me is rewriting War And Peace via iMessage and hasn't looked up from his phone since that pothole nearly ripped his tire off 2 miles back. Soooo, Mommy needs to f'ing pay attention. These Go-Go Gadget Arms are fully invested in your safety at the moment and will remain locked at 10 and 2 until further notice..
5) That you don't want to take a bath. Your fingernails look like you just clawed your way out of an abandoned mine shaft and the filth on your feet makes me wonder if you're wearing shoes all wrong. I'm pretty sure that's peanut butter--from lunch--beneath that ketchup smear from dinner on your face and your temporary tatoo has faded into something resembling a serious skin condition. What you want, I'm afraid, has been rendered miserably irrelevant by the urgent and undeniable need to WASH THAT ASS. End of discussion.
So kids, feel free to file your appeals with the Office of Wish In One Hand And Shit In The Other. Because the Parent-ocracy loves you--but "the house" always wins.
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