5 Things Mommy Doesn't Care About Before 7AM On Saturday

We all know that parenting requires 24/7 availability, but that’s still a bitter pill for mom to swallow on what used to be her day off. So kids, if you’re old enough to play quietly, but young enough to still involve mom in every shit you take, then be aware that Saturday-Morning Mommy has no interest in the following weekday complaints: 

1. That your brother is playing with the ______ you wanted. Unless that blank is filled with “knives”, “matches”, “scissors” or “entrails”, Mommy doesn’t care.

2. That you’re hungry. If this was a typical Tuesday, I guarantee you’d still be in your tighty-whiteys, face-first in your pile of character sheets. Sleeping kids don’t get hungry--and before 7:30 on any other day of the week, neither do you. The true starving children of the world are shaking their heads at your First World Problems. Shame on you. Now go back to bed. 

3. That you’re bored. As far as mommy is concerned, sleep is the most desirable activity. If your toys and books and games and shows are so “boring”, lay your ass in the bed and sleep like the rest of the world wants to at this un-Godly hour. You won’t be bored if you’re asleep.

4. That you want to go outside. Why? Is the house on fire? Do the cows need milking? Do you have a paper route to run with your Big Wheels tricycle? No? Then it can wait til sunrise. Thanks.

5. That you want to watch something else. Imagine a world where Mom and Dad walked to school uphill both ways in the snow and only one channel had cartoons worth a shit on Saturdays. And Saturdays only. Maybe you didn’t like The Smurfs or Fraggle Rock or whatever shows came before and after She-Ra. You still watched that shit straight through to Soul Train and liked it--because oh yeah. Your cartoon utopia only ran from dawn to lunch. After that, Don Cornelius ushered back in an afternoon of live-action that continued until the parents popped in a warped VHS of whatever Disney movie you were stimming out to at the time. You want to watch something else? Yeah? Well, Mommy wants to watch the back of her eyelids. Best show on Earth. Why don’t you go check it out and get back to me with a critique around 8:15. Super.

Listen, kids. I know you’ll value sleep one day--like, 10 years from now when Mommy’s detonating homemade explosives on your night stand to get you out of bed--to cut the grass or clean your room or take the goddamn SAT. But until then, all I’m asking you to do is play, read--or just stare at one of those screens I ration out during the week like government cheese. Because it’s Saturday, for fuck sake. This shit can wait til 8.