There's a game we play daily in our household--not because it's clever or fun or yields fabulous prizes. It's just the nature of tiny humans to choose topics out of thin air, usually as an excuse to covet or complain. Ray and I are doomed to be the hosts and our boys the ever-constant contestants in what we affectionately call "The Wheel Of Random Conversation Starters". Don't know how to play, kids? Sure ya do! Just step right up, spin the Wheel of Want and Randomness, then fashion your leading question from whichever one of these fascinating categories it happens to stop on!
Why Can't We...?
Well, folks. This is where you get to complain about all the things mom or dad won't let you do. Doesn't matter what you're doing right now and whether or not that activity is relevant to the moment. At some point earlier you were pissed about something that's not allowed, and in the check-out line at Target or on the toilet after breakfast seems like as good a time as any to air your grievance. So ask away. But brace yourself! The answer is almost always because... 1) it's not safe, 2) it's too expensive 3) it's bedtime or 4) we're actively in the middle of doing something else you asked to do. So no. You can't wrestle on the landing next to the banister because you're going to fall to your death. And we can't buy the Paw Patrol van because it costs more than mommy's last haircut 6 months ago. We can't go ride bikes right now because you're lying in your bed with your teeth brushed, wearing pajamas--and it's DARK outside. And we can't go to Chick-fil-a for lunch today because we're currently eating the sandwiches you precisely demanded. Why can't we? Why? Because I said so, dammit. But thanks for playing.
When Can We...?
Because you've learned that starting with "Can we?" usually goes nowhere but straight to mom and dad's last nerve, this category allows you a more assertive plan of attack, twisting the question to create an illusion of certainty or eventuality--so that it's not a matter of "if" we get to fulfill this asinine request, but "when"! And parents, be forewarned that "later" is nowhere near the concrete timetable our charming youngsters are looking for. "But WHEN, Mommy?!?" When can we go to Great Wolf Lodge? Maybe when get back from the kids' museum we're currently en route to because you begged us for it half the summer? When can we fly paper airplanes? Maybe when you're not naked at the top of the stairs and we're not 10 minutes from driving your brother to school. When can you ride in a space ship? Sometime after you either earn your first million or master astrophysics--but most definitely after you can tie those damn shoes by yourself. And the winning answer is "Later!"... but honestly, just "NO".
I Want...!
This category is your bottomless pit of possibilities--from whatever Wubble Bubble bullshit-monstrosity you just saw advertised between Paw Patrol episodes on Nick Jr. to toys on the shelf at the store that you ALREADY OWN back at home. "Wheel Of" knows your desire for crap is insatiable--and that with the added bonus of indecision and scant attention span, the parents will have better luck keeping up with the Kardashians than your constantly expanding list of fleeting demands. You want that giant sippy cup with a compartment for snacks in the lid? Or the sleeping bag comforter that zips you into your bed like a straight jacket? OF COURSE YOU DO! "Want" away! The more random and the less necessary THE BETTER!
Speed Round
This is your chance to pummel mom or dad with a barrage of "What is...?", "Where is my...?" and "Why?" questions, encompassing everything from unnamed objects you see from the car that they don't, to items you haven't played with since infancy, to a heated inquest about why houseflies can't talk. The key to this round is to make sure you're asking the next question before mom or dad is able to finish answering the one that came before. And don't waste time with their responses either. Listening is for suckers. Just keep f'ing talking. So on your mark, get set, GO NUTS! Not sure what constitutes "winning" at this round--but if anyone is, it's certainly NOT your parents.
Ex..tra...Sloooow...Round...
The object of this round is to hold your listener hostage with the first part of your question for as long as possible while you come up with something else to say. Any combination of the above categories is fair game, just draaaaaaaaaaaaag it out until mom or dad's eyes visibly glaze over with impatience while what's left of their youth slips away. "Why can't we...when can we...I want to..." is all you need. The objective of this round is that there's not one--beyond keeping that captive audience captive til their hair turns white and long grey beards grow cartoon-style from their chins.
Eventually, around 7:31 PM, one of your lovely hosts will cut you off mid-sentence with a patronizing frown and an "Oooooh. Looks like we're outta time for today...But tell 'em what they've won, Babe!" And what will you have won, kids? Why, none other than a cozy bed piled high with stuffed animals, blankets, and lovees, a complimentary plastic sheet (for those unexpected pee accidents)--and all the love your parents can pack into their worn, tired selves. Because you, kids, are the real prizes after all. And ok, yes--maybe you are fabulous. But let's just put a pin in all this til tomorrow. Your parent's hearts are full. But damn, our ears are tired.
Why Can't We...?
Well, folks. This is where you get to complain about all the things mom or dad won't let you do. Doesn't matter what you're doing right now and whether or not that activity is relevant to the moment. At some point earlier you were pissed about something that's not allowed, and in the check-out line at Target or on the toilet after breakfast seems like as good a time as any to air your grievance. So ask away. But brace yourself! The answer is almost always because... 1) it's not safe, 2) it's too expensive 3) it's bedtime or 4) we're actively in the middle of doing something else you asked to do. So no. You can't wrestle on the landing next to the banister because you're going to fall to your death. And we can't buy the Paw Patrol van because it costs more than mommy's last haircut 6 months ago. We can't go ride bikes right now because you're lying in your bed with your teeth brushed, wearing pajamas--and it's DARK outside. And we can't go to Chick-fil-a for lunch today because we're currently eating the sandwiches you precisely demanded. Why can't we? Why? Because I said so, dammit. But thanks for playing.
When Can We...?
Because you've learned that starting with "Can we?" usually goes nowhere but straight to mom and dad's last nerve, this category allows you a more assertive plan of attack, twisting the question to create an illusion of certainty or eventuality--so that it's not a matter of "if" we get to fulfill this asinine request, but "when"! And parents, be forewarned that "later" is nowhere near the concrete timetable our charming youngsters are looking for. "But WHEN, Mommy?!?" When can we go to Great Wolf Lodge? Maybe when get back from the kids' museum we're currently en route to because you begged us for it half the summer? When can we fly paper airplanes? Maybe when you're not naked at the top of the stairs and we're not 10 minutes from driving your brother to school. When can you ride in a space ship? Sometime after you either earn your first million or master astrophysics--but most definitely after you can tie those damn shoes by yourself. And the winning answer is "Later!"... but honestly, just "NO".
I Want...!
This category is your bottomless pit of possibilities--from whatever Wubble Bubble bullshit-monstrosity you just saw advertised between Paw Patrol episodes on Nick Jr. to toys on the shelf at the store that you ALREADY OWN back at home. "Wheel Of" knows your desire for crap is insatiable--and that with the added bonus of indecision and scant attention span, the parents will have better luck keeping up with the Kardashians than your constantly expanding list of fleeting demands. You want that giant sippy cup with a compartment for snacks in the lid? Or the sleeping bag comforter that zips you into your bed like a straight jacket? OF COURSE YOU DO! "Want" away! The more random and the less necessary THE BETTER!
Speed Round
This is your chance to pummel mom or dad with a barrage of "What is...?", "Where is my...?" and "Why?" questions, encompassing everything from unnamed objects you see from the car that they don't, to items you haven't played with since infancy, to a heated inquest about why houseflies can't talk. The key to this round is to make sure you're asking the next question before mom or dad is able to finish answering the one that came before. And don't waste time with their responses either. Listening is for suckers. Just keep f'ing talking. So on your mark, get set, GO NUTS! Not sure what constitutes "winning" at this round--but if anyone is, it's certainly NOT your parents.
Ex..tra...Sloooow...Round...
The object of this round is to hold your listener hostage with the first part of your question for as long as possible while you come up with something else to say. Any combination of the above categories is fair game, just draaaaaaaaaaaaag it out until mom or dad's eyes visibly glaze over with impatience while what's left of their youth slips away. "Why can't we...when can we...I want to..." is all you need. The objective of this round is that there's not one--beyond keeping that captive audience captive til their hair turns white and long grey beards grow cartoon-style from their chins.
Eventually, around 7:31 PM, one of your lovely hosts will cut you off mid-sentence with a patronizing frown and an "Oooooh. Looks like we're outta time for today...But tell 'em what they've won, Babe!" And what will you have won, kids? Why, none other than a cozy bed piled high with stuffed animals, blankets, and lovees, a complimentary plastic sheet (for those unexpected pee accidents)--and all the love your parents can pack into their worn, tired selves. Because you, kids, are the real prizes after all. And ok, yes--maybe you are fabulous. But let's just put a pin in all this til tomorrow. Your parent's hearts are full. But damn, our ears are tired.
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