You'd think it would be all about the rides and the characters. But for kids under 3, this list is where it's at for your family's Disney vacation.
1. Soap in public restrooms. Will it be white? Or pink? Will I be able to reach it myself or will I need to throw a fit because mom has to help me? Will I be able to wash it off? Or will the automatic sink be worthless like roughly 70% of its kind? Cuz if it is, I will try all 20 of these sinks until I find one that’s worthy of removing this magical soap.
2. Toilet flushing mechanisms. Is there a lever? Or a carefully camouflaged button that requires me to contract hepatitis by feeling the seat up with the same bare hands that I'm always eating with? And if it's the dreaded automatic flusher, can I beat it to the manual trigger before it flushes without me and makes me demand to pee again in order to reset the cycle of insanity?
3. Opening the latch to bathroom stalls while Mommy's pants are down. She's been telling me not to since she unzipped her pants, but this stall is just too small for the both of us and that latch is so right there. It's calling to me... Yep. She's wiping. I'm gonna open it.
4. Rope and stanchion crowd control devices. The people in this line sure seem excited to get to this ride. But how can I even think about that when I've got yards and yards of rope to run my hand along between metal posts in this maze of cordoned-off waiting area?! Sometimes it's a chain. Sometimes it's a retractable band. But touching it's always more fun than keeping up with the queue.
5. Standing water. Could be rainwater. Could be gardening run-off laden with fertilizer for all these manicured landscapes. Or it could be the puddle of urine that little girl just made at the base of the slide in the Dumbo ride waiting area that all the kids are stepping in as they run around the play structure. It's a real roll of the dice. But regardless. If it's standing liquid--i'ma touch it. And then be pissed when my hands are dirty.
6. Buttons that make doors or elevators work. My brother pressed it last time. Then I got to press it. Then it was Daddy's turn to press it. But I'll be god-damned if Mommy presses it. I may level an incoming family with the automatic glass door to the hotel when I press the handicapped button too soon. And I might have us stopping at all four floors on the elevator trip to our hotel room. But i'ma press that button next. Or cry trying.
7. Being dead asleep during fireworks. I've been a total asshole for the past 2 hours because I'm never up this late. I'm just waiting for the soothing sound of explosives detonating in the distance to lull me to sleep. To hell with your dazzling visual spectacle, Disney. It's bedtime, bitches.
8. Being dead asleep on the bus ride to the hotel. It's been a full day of fun and I'm beat. If I haven't already passed out during the fireworks, I'll be sure to fall asleep standing up on the shuttle bus and nearly concuss myself on the surrounding seats before mommy can get to me. She's wearing a backpack, carrying 3 collectible coffee mugs, and has a mini-cooler slung over her forearm. Should be no problem for her to scoop me and my dead-weight right up.
9. Being buck-wild on the bus ride to the park. Today is a new day and we're first on the shuttle bus! Let's sprint to the very back so that I can maybe split my lip open on the super-noticeable 2 steps up to the upper level or maybe Daddy can herniate himself dragging the collapsed double stroller after me. Either way, I'm having a blast! Until I'm not.
10. Snacks from home in Mommy's bag. Good thing mom and dad left me off the family food plan, because that shit's got nothin' on the metric ton of pretzels, fruit snacks, Applejacks, and clementines mommy transported across 2 state lines to supplement my inevitable refusal of anything else I'm offered. I even learned to eat a whole apple on this trip--core, seeds, stem, and all--because nothing says vacation like the same ol’ shit you eat at home--and if it's from Mommy's bag, it's all I want.
11. Asking for more snacks. I just had pretzels, dry cereal, an apple, a clementine, chicken nuggets, broccoli, and a stack of cookies from the lunch buffet we just left. But it's been at least 15 minutes now and I want more snacks. MORE SNACKS NOW!
12. Using "blazing speed" at the worst times. I love me some Blaze and The Monster Machines, but down here under the Disney Dome, I'm in Nick Junior withdrawal. No worries. If you ever see me stop dead in the middle of a crowded thoroughfare, ball my fists up, and cock my elbow up to one side -I'm about to conquer this situation with "blazing speed" and plow through this sea of people, strollers, and Larks at full clip.
13. Dragging ass when the line starts moving. Because “blazing speed” is useless unless it's my idea, I make a point to loiter several steps behind my family when the queue gets a move on. It's not like there's a ride at the end of this. Or is there? Oh wait! Is that a chain or a rope between those posts? Let me check it out. As slowly. And meticulously. As. Possible.
14. Being picked up. We rented this bad-ass double stroller--and it's cool and all. But Mommy's not busy. Or tired. And I'm definitely not heavy. Or squirmy. So yeah. I'm gonna need her to go ahead and pick me up.
15. Saturating a pull-up. I've been doing great with this potty-training stuff lately--but they've got me in a pull-up "just in case" since we'll be out all day. I rocked the dry pants all morning--but now it's late afternoon. I'm cranky and delirious and keep refusing to drink from my water sippy--but I’ve still managed to inundate my pull-up with so much urine that it's leaked through to my clothes on the past 2 consecutive visits to the restroom Mommy forced me to accompany her on. Not sure where it's coming from, but I'm about to break some records here. Hope you packed some extras, Mom.
16. Melting down when asked to go to the bathroom. Yesterday I destroyed 2 pairs of shorts with pee-accident overflow. And maybe I did just drain 3 pints of apple juice at lunch. But if this bitch thinks I've gotta go potty, she's crazy. Let me lose my mind right here about it.
17. Asking to go back to the hotel. My family and I gleefully counted the days down to this trip and I literally jumped for joy the morning we left. But now that we're here, I'm over it about every fifteen minutes and ready to hit up the hotel. Until I'm into it again, having the time of my life. Until I'm not again and want to go back to the hotel. To poop, to sleep, to play with toys from home? I don't know. But the bitch about grass is how green it is back at the hotel.
18. Being deathly afraid of the exotic birds roaming the picnic area during lunch, then begging to see them again before you leave. They're called white ibis and they are the graceful, swanlike pigeons of Disney World. When they timidly approached our table in the food court at Animal Kingdom, my brother and I totally lost our minds with fear they had come to fight us to the death over our Uncrustable PB&J pouches. But somewhere between fearing for my life at lunch and the end of the day, the white ibis and I became like THAT--and I must see one again NOW. Good thing there is literally a flock of them in the trees as we are exiting, because y'all were about to see my submission for Best Actor In A Drama Series if I didn't get to see my lunch buddy again.
19. Giving the stink-eye to photographers trying to take your picture in front of Cinderella's Castle. My parents paid for this awesome photo package so that strategically distributed Disney photographers can take family photos of us against picturesque back-drops throughout the various parks. But it's our last day at the Magic Kingdom and I'll be damned if I'm going to cooperate. So, family and friends, please enjoy this year's Christmas card when it features 3/4s of my smiling family embracing either the back of my head or my down-turned face contorted into an expression of pouty disgust, like someone just presented me with a dirty butthole--at the base of an otherwise glittering castle with Tinkerbell superimposed in the bottom right corner.
20. Escalators. I'm told there are tons of real rides here, but don't think that means we can pass on that escalator over there. Cuz I see it. And I know you know I see it. It doesn't lead to where we're going? Too bad for you. Cuz we're still going to ride it. All the way down and right the hell back up on the matching set next to it. Cuz this may be the happiest place on earth, but if the nearly 3-year-old ain't happy, I'd like to see you sell that line to my parents.
1. Soap in public restrooms. Will it be white? Or pink? Will I be able to reach it myself or will I need to throw a fit because mom has to help me? Will I be able to wash it off? Or will the automatic sink be worthless like roughly 70% of its kind? Cuz if it is, I will try all 20 of these sinks until I find one that’s worthy of removing this magical soap.
2. Toilet flushing mechanisms. Is there a lever? Or a carefully camouflaged button that requires me to contract hepatitis by feeling the seat up with the same bare hands that I'm always eating with? And if it's the dreaded automatic flusher, can I beat it to the manual trigger before it flushes without me and makes me demand to pee again in order to reset the cycle of insanity?
3. Opening the latch to bathroom stalls while Mommy's pants are down. She's been telling me not to since she unzipped her pants, but this stall is just too small for the both of us and that latch is so right there. It's calling to me... Yep. She's wiping. I'm gonna open it.
4. Rope and stanchion crowd control devices. The people in this line sure seem excited to get to this ride. But how can I even think about that when I've got yards and yards of rope to run my hand along between metal posts in this maze of cordoned-off waiting area?! Sometimes it's a chain. Sometimes it's a retractable band. But touching it's always more fun than keeping up with the queue.
5. Standing water. Could be rainwater. Could be gardening run-off laden with fertilizer for all these manicured landscapes. Or it could be the puddle of urine that little girl just made at the base of the slide in the Dumbo ride waiting area that all the kids are stepping in as they run around the play structure. It's a real roll of the dice. But regardless. If it's standing liquid--i'ma touch it. And then be pissed when my hands are dirty.
6. Buttons that make doors or elevators work. My brother pressed it last time. Then I got to press it. Then it was Daddy's turn to press it. But I'll be god-damned if Mommy presses it. I may level an incoming family with the automatic glass door to the hotel when I press the handicapped button too soon. And I might have us stopping at all four floors on the elevator trip to our hotel room. But i'ma press that button next. Or cry trying.
7. Being dead asleep during fireworks. I've been a total asshole for the past 2 hours because I'm never up this late. I'm just waiting for the soothing sound of explosives detonating in the distance to lull me to sleep. To hell with your dazzling visual spectacle, Disney. It's bedtime, bitches.
8. Being dead asleep on the bus ride to the hotel. It's been a full day of fun and I'm beat. If I haven't already passed out during the fireworks, I'll be sure to fall asleep standing up on the shuttle bus and nearly concuss myself on the surrounding seats before mommy can get to me. She's wearing a backpack, carrying 3 collectible coffee mugs, and has a mini-cooler slung over her forearm. Should be no problem for her to scoop me and my dead-weight right up.
9. Being buck-wild on the bus ride to the park. Today is a new day and we're first on the shuttle bus! Let's sprint to the very back so that I can maybe split my lip open on the super-noticeable 2 steps up to the upper level or maybe Daddy can herniate himself dragging the collapsed double stroller after me. Either way, I'm having a blast! Until I'm not.
10. Snacks from home in Mommy's bag. Good thing mom and dad left me off the family food plan, because that shit's got nothin' on the metric ton of pretzels, fruit snacks, Applejacks, and clementines mommy transported across 2 state lines to supplement my inevitable refusal of anything else I'm offered. I even learned to eat a whole apple on this trip--core, seeds, stem, and all--because nothing says vacation like the same ol’ shit you eat at home--and if it's from Mommy's bag, it's all I want.
11. Asking for more snacks. I just had pretzels, dry cereal, an apple, a clementine, chicken nuggets, broccoli, and a stack of cookies from the lunch buffet we just left. But it's been at least 15 minutes now and I want more snacks. MORE SNACKS NOW!
12. Using "blazing speed" at the worst times. I love me some Blaze and The Monster Machines, but down here under the Disney Dome, I'm in Nick Junior withdrawal. No worries. If you ever see me stop dead in the middle of a crowded thoroughfare, ball my fists up, and cock my elbow up to one side -I'm about to conquer this situation with "blazing speed" and plow through this sea of people, strollers, and Larks at full clip.
13. Dragging ass when the line starts moving. Because “blazing speed” is useless unless it's my idea, I make a point to loiter several steps behind my family when the queue gets a move on. It's not like there's a ride at the end of this. Or is there? Oh wait! Is that a chain or a rope between those posts? Let me check it out. As slowly. And meticulously. As. Possible.
14. Being picked up. We rented this bad-ass double stroller--and it's cool and all. But Mommy's not busy. Or tired. And I'm definitely not heavy. Or squirmy. So yeah. I'm gonna need her to go ahead and pick me up.
15. Saturating a pull-up. I've been doing great with this potty-training stuff lately--but they've got me in a pull-up "just in case" since we'll be out all day. I rocked the dry pants all morning--but now it's late afternoon. I'm cranky and delirious and keep refusing to drink from my water sippy--but I’ve still managed to inundate my pull-up with so much urine that it's leaked through to my clothes on the past 2 consecutive visits to the restroom Mommy forced me to accompany her on. Not sure where it's coming from, but I'm about to break some records here. Hope you packed some extras, Mom.
16. Melting down when asked to go to the bathroom. Yesterday I destroyed 2 pairs of shorts with pee-accident overflow. And maybe I did just drain 3 pints of apple juice at lunch. But if this bitch thinks I've gotta go potty, she's crazy. Let me lose my mind right here about it.
17. Asking to go back to the hotel. My family and I gleefully counted the days down to this trip and I literally jumped for joy the morning we left. But now that we're here, I'm over it about every fifteen minutes and ready to hit up the hotel. Until I'm into it again, having the time of my life. Until I'm not again and want to go back to the hotel. To poop, to sleep, to play with toys from home? I don't know. But the bitch about grass is how green it is back at the hotel.
18. Being deathly afraid of the exotic birds roaming the picnic area during lunch, then begging to see them again before you leave. They're called white ibis and they are the graceful, swanlike pigeons of Disney World. When they timidly approached our table in the food court at Animal Kingdom, my brother and I totally lost our minds with fear they had come to fight us to the death over our Uncrustable PB&J pouches. But somewhere between fearing for my life at lunch and the end of the day, the white ibis and I became like THAT--and I must see one again NOW. Good thing there is literally a flock of them in the trees as we are exiting, because y'all were about to see my submission for Best Actor In A Drama Series if I didn't get to see my lunch buddy again.
19. Giving the stink-eye to photographers trying to take your picture in front of Cinderella's Castle. My parents paid for this awesome photo package so that strategically distributed Disney photographers can take family photos of us against picturesque back-drops throughout the various parks. But it's our last day at the Magic Kingdom and I'll be damned if I'm going to cooperate. So, family and friends, please enjoy this year's Christmas card when it features 3/4s of my smiling family embracing either the back of my head or my down-turned face contorted into an expression of pouty disgust, like someone just presented me with a dirty butthole--at the base of an otherwise glittering castle with Tinkerbell superimposed in the bottom right corner.
20. Escalators. I'm told there are tons of real rides here, but don't think that means we can pass on that escalator over there. Cuz I see it. And I know you know I see it. It doesn't lead to where we're going? Too bad for you. Cuz we're still going to ride it. All the way down and right the hell back up on the matching set next to it. Cuz this may be the happiest place on earth, but if the nearly 3-year-old ain't happy, I'd like to see you sell that line to my parents.
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